Thursday, January 17, 2013

Or maybe not

I honestly don't know if I'm doing this under my own power or not.

I started to notice the whole leg-swaying thing about a week or two after my "encounter" with Our Mutual Tallish Friend. Within a few days I was able to kick, within a month I could stand for a few moments and by the time I last posted on this, I was able to take baby steps for about 5 minutes at a time.

This isn't possible.

First of all, when I'm "walking", I'm only able to do it in short bursts, though the bursts get longer the more often I'm doing it, much akin to working the muscles. I've always fully expected that regaining control of my legs would take time, what with them being a bit atrophied for lack of real exercise, fine. However, in the months that I've been able to do so, I haven't really been able to feel my legs any more than I've been able to for the past three years.
Maybe I'm crazy (... I really need to stop using such an obvious line...) but that seems a bit unusual to me.

Second, when I started to think I might have been on the road to recovery after catching my legs swaying on their own, I arranged a visit to the doc- probably about the only time I've felt anything higher on the scale than absolute dread being carted off towards a hospital. A few hundred bucks worth of tests down the drain, and they still say it's unlikely I'll be able to walk.

Third, no witnesses, which unless you're Harry Potter evidently is typically the first sign that it's all in your head. Regardless of how often I'm trying to do so, I can't seem to move them whenever someone's looking. If I'm standing and someone is within the vicinity, they'll spontaneously give out right before I'm in view like some cliched comedy act. Once again, something my parents believe I should be talking about in therapy.

There are two possibilities here.
I'm having some crazy vivid daydreams on the topic.
Or, in spite of the fact that I can at least choose where I'm going when I can use them, I'm not the one really in control of my legs. Given when these events started, it's not exactly hard to figure out who probably is. Remember what I said before about being just too easy prey? Someone really enjoys playing with their food.

So why am I posting all this now? Because if the latter, who's to say that's all that's being controlled. Even posting could be entirely the influence of the other guy.
Or this is all in my head, and I'm making a fool of myself.

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