Monday, February 27, 2012


My parents were part of the Society for Creative Anachronism back in college. They met on the battlefield, so to speak. They were Dungeons and Dragons nerds too, of course, and one can only assume LARPers based on the general description. If they were, I never heard those stories. Would've been funny though, right? My dad in shining armor, mom in a dress and elf ears- off topic again. Sorry about that.
When they were married, they didn't do the classical thing of going some place like Hawaii for their honeymoon. They went instead to a British armo(u)ry and bought their dream blades, everything they could think of including fencing foils, some replicas of Spanish sabers and at least one blade that belonged to a British officer during the Napoleonic Wars and probably killed a few men.
I dunno how many swords they bought. We keep 3 sabers and a scimitar on the mantel, but when my mother took them out to polish them, she retrieved a rusted pile from the garage that covered the entire couch. I counted one bastard sword and at least a dozen matching of pairs of short swords, along with the foils and Spanish replicas, and that's just what I can remember right now. My memory's not what it used to be.
They also kept three longbows, a crossbow, two flails, a pair of nunchaku and a bokken that I commandeered- never mind, it's coming back to me..
Anyway. When I was three my parents took me to my first renaissance fair(e?). They noticed I took interest in a pair of knights sparring, so they put me into a fencing workshop and I was dubbed 'Sir Clueless' for my inability to tell which end of the foil was supposed to point towards me. So I guess I can safely say I've been holding swords since I was strong enough to lift them.
Over the next couple of years, they did their best to train me in the use of some of their other weapons. We only ever got around to fencing and archery, cause that was all my dad had the equipment for to teach a kid without anybody getting hurt.
Eventually though, the other kids picking on me for my nerdiness led to me dropping it altogether. That and for being gay.
Middle school was rough. During those years the only blade I had been acquainted with was a razor blade. I hated myself for all the same reasons everyone else hated me- because I never stood up for myself. I may have known how to fight them but I never wanted to hurt anyone, even at the sake of my own preservation.

Once, I nearly ended it all. I stood at the top of a bridge and looked down into the water, just thinking about how all the pain would go away. But something... extraordinary happened.
I met someone.

More accurately, he threw himself upon me, knowing full-well what I'd been planning to do. He held me down and shushed me until I could speak coherently and could promise to let him walk me home.
His name was Darren, he was a year older than me and went to another middle school in my city. He too had an interest in weaponry, albeit primarily katana and quarterstaves, although he knew how to use a gun and a composite bow. He was brave, strong, and the general definition of tall, dark, and handsome. He was impatient and had what he called 'anger issues' and would be a little violent any time I displayed that I was smarter than him, but I didn't mind. I was worried about coming out to him during the violent times but he proved to be cool with it.
Darren was my first true friend. He was the only thing I cared about in the world.
In freshman year of high school, Darren broke up with his first girlfriend. I helped him through it the same way he'd helped me, and he called me his brother.
This was of course stunning to me, considering my status as an only child and the fact I never had any men to look up to. But it also meant something else to me: we formed a bond of trust. Something I'd never had with another living soul. That he truly and definitively cared for me.
I fell for him at that moment. Hard.
He took me back to his place a few times to train, which is why I commandeered said bokken. I accidentally broke his, since he'd been using it to practice with his katana, so I bought him a couple replacements off topic off topic OFF TOPIC!
Anyway. We spent three years training in his backyard. I'd forgotten everything I knew about swords and he helped me pick some of it back up.

And then all of a sudden... it was over. To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement.
My parents bought me my own scimitar to help me get back through the depression. It didn't help. I had them mount it on a wall out of my reach.
I haven't touched a sword since. They're beautiful, but the feel of it in my palm... that reminder... sickens me.

Requiescas in Pace, Darren. I still love you.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Test

Keep in mind that I'm not saying the results of this test will definitively tell you you're insane. Some of these events could be natural behavior for you, after all, or results of circumstances otherwise beyond your control. It's not supposed to diagnose you, it's just supposed to help you keep a tally on your own mind.
Just covering all the bases here, really. And yes, I realize some are more obvious than others, it's kind of the point.

Answer the following questions with a simple "Yes" or "No". Reasoning doesn't matter. (In all likelihood, trying to justify it might end up hurting your argument more anyway.)

In the past month...

Has anyone else outright called you 'insane', 'crazy', 'creepy', or a similar term for something you did?
--> Would you agree with their assessment in that context?
Have you simply found yourself saying "I know it sounds crazy, but..." or similar phrases?
Have you had an unusual number of nightmares, lucid dreams, or other abnormal REM occurrences?
--> If you weren't prone to it prior to exposure, have you been sleepwalking?
Have you been having what you can only describe as 'visions'?
Have you been receiving unusual sensory input, such as hearing voices/ticking or seeing creatures/figures that nobody else could hear or see?
Have you spoken to yourself in public?
--> Did this draw serious attention from other people?
--> Did this devolve into an argument with yourself?
Have you spoken to inanimate objects?
--> Have you received replies?
Have you found yourself repeating a single phrase at least three times within as many breaths?
Have you found yourself writing in code when it was either ridiculously easy to crack or unnecessary to begin with?
Have you had any violent mood swings?
Have you recently experienced any significant changes in your mood that lasted for an extended period?
--> Could this change be considered positive, contrary to recent experience?
--> Could this change be considered negative?
Have you noticed changes in your own eating behavior?
Have you made any significant changes to your wardrobe or style of dress?
--> Would this include a personalized logo a la comic book superheroes?
--> Do you have (X)perator symbols on every shirt, blouse, jacket, etc?
--> Would this be in a style one would probably only see in Japanese animation?
--> Do your 'casual clothes' include some form of body armor?
Have you recently found yourself unusually bitter towards or paranoid of your close friends and colleagues?
--> Have you seriously wished harm upon them?
Have you found yourself simply paranoid of everyday social interactions?
Have you spent abnormal amounts of time scanning scenery for potential foes while out and about? 
Have you believed there was a conspiracy to kill you, someone you know, or an iconic figure?
Have you simply 'felt the presence' of Tall Pale and Faceless, another Fear, or any other supernatural forces/creatures without any other sensory input?
Have you believed you had any abnormal abilities for a human?
--> Have there been witnesses who can confirm use of such abilities?
--> Have you rejected the laws of physics or nature, ignoring damage to the integrity of reality/the universe?
Have you ever believed yourself to be something 'more than human'?
Have you threatened to kill anybody?
--> Multiple times?
--> Was it (exclusively) to deter future harmful action, i.e. "If you touch a hair on his/her head..."?
Have you ACTUALLY killed anybody?
--> Multiple people?
--> Was it (exclusively) self-defense/proper defense of another human?
--> Was it pre-meditated?
--> Were you under the influence of perception-altering drugs, alcohol, 'illusions' or a Fear?
--> Did you simply "go berserk"?
--> Did you do it in the name of a 'higher being'?
--> Did you enjoy it, or otherwise find yourself unapologetic for doing it?
--> Did you cause damages to the body, post-mortem?
--> Did the victim die screaming (or attempting to do so) in what could presumably be agony?
Have you contemplated methods of homicide or harming others, without any particular target in mind?
--> Could such methods be considered 'unusual' or 'creative'?
--> Could such methods be considered 'inhumane'?
Have you simply felt apathetic towards the painful misfortune of others?
Have you delighted in the painful misfortune of others?
While awake, have you had periods of complete unresponsiveness to the physical world?
Have you had extended periods of uncontrollable twitching for no explicable reason?
Have you had extended periods of disorientation or lapsed memory while awake?
--> When you came to your senses, were you ever covered in blood or standing over a body?
Have you indiscriminately considered yourself superior to strangers or colleagues?
--> Have you ever called them your minions, underlings, or other derivatives of servant?
Have you acted like you are, or believed yourself to be under the age that your legal documentation (i.e. birth certificate) says you are?
Have you found yourself singing or humming a song to yourself that was inappropriate for the situation (i.e. a cheery tune while fighting or killing people)?
--> Did you make up the tune?
Have you had periods where you found yourself unable to stop making puns?
Have you had periods of simply wanting to bellow out maniacal laughter?

I think... that's enough for now. If you think of anything else, please do bring it up so I can tack it on for later.
I'm just gonna go sleep and hope I don't end up on the floor of my room again.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Once a Month...

... I think I should give myself some kind of sanity test. Not like some crazy stunt that only the mad could pass or fail or whatever, just a short quiz to make sure I'm not being beaten down too hard, or to serve as an early warning system.

Preferably of the quick and easy 'yes/no' variety. If I have to write an essay, so help me, I will ramble like there's no tomorrow.

There's not much to think about here, really. I know I'm being watched by TPF, every couple days I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise on their own accompanied by sudden changes in temperature, HHIZ own special blend of nausea and... well, you get the idea. It's possible that's just me being paranoid, but is there really anything that distinguishes the two?
So what do you do when a faceless pseudo-Lovecraftian horror who drives people utterly mad is bearing down on your life? Keep an eye on your sanity, like a micro-manager playing Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

At least until you die. Problem here is no restarts, but I can live with that waitasecond...

Course, the flaw here is if I take a sudden leap off the deep end after some traumatic event. Then gradual monitoring doesn't really do much good to prepare me for it.

Problem is finding out what questions to ask myself... and I suppose it'd be worthwhile to post the results here. I really can't see any point in hiding from Proxies and Runners how my brain is holding up after all- being nervous or going completely bonkers would show through anyway!

Any suggestions?